Please understand

My god. Tonight has been the hardest so far. I got to have a relaxing game of chess, which gave me more time to think, was very therapeutic..and was probably the easiest part of the evening. Then when my housemate asked me about lectures my mood just dropped. Went byebye. Not his fault obviously, but my idiotic brain decided it was the end of my world. So my mood went from about a 3/10 to a 0/10. I sit here grabbing my skull because my mind hurts to think about small things, and I know people look at me like i'm crazy.

I'm finding it harder each day to control my mood. I even admitted to my housemate that I need tomorrow to myself. Can't be distubred. I need a day to just be alone. I want to leave, why is this such a taboo?! I just want to die and no one even realise my absence. I think people will end up hating me..I was always scared of people hating me..I guess thats what karma truly is. Im going to transfer my wages to my housemates account so he can pay the rent..and i'm leaving my motorbike to his girlfriend if I can ever find the forms. I have so much debt that I would be paying it off for 20 years..so the fact i've been independant for 6 years will hopefully help my loved ones. I don't know if there is a God, but if there is, please look after the people I love. Don't let them suffer for my decision.

Fight or Flight?

Once again i'm sat here in the living room with my housemate & his girlfriend. He asked me if I planned on attending any lectures whatsoever this week. I told him I couldn't give a crap about them at the moment. He thinks i'm just lazy..I know he'll understand after i'm gone but I felt like screaming at him cant he understand how difficult it is for me to face going to uni at the moment. Even sitting with them hurts me. I'm struggling to face being with anyone. Im fighting my flight instinct to run away to my bedroom and stay there.

Failing again.

Well, I missed another lecture today. And it was an assessed one. I'm starting to truly give up on everything. Fail at my life.I don't know how long I can keep this up. All I want is to lie curled up in a ball under my duvet away from everything. The guilt is really kicking in now as well..knowing how much pain i'm about to cause. I can feel it on me. Its like a weight all over my body dragging me down. But I don't feel right here. I feel like I was born out of place, with no true destiny. My death will change lives forever..but what if in the long run, i'm better preparing my loved ones for something in their future? I know my time here is almost over, I can feel it approaching.

Questions

Well, I woke up on the living room floor this morning. Apparently I got very drunk last night - I drank a bottle of rum to myself. Impressive. And I don't have a hangover today, possibly due to the fact i'm still under the influence a bit. Work later..I really don't want to go in, and have tried to get my shift covered. I think i'll end up working though. I work in a kitchen, as a chef, its not a difficult job. Whats difficult is being there, having to face people. I don't want to face people.. they expect things from me like conversation and if I don't converse they ask questions. I hate questions.

Disorder

My housemate and girlfriend are sat with me in the living room at the moment (If she ever reads this I hope she doesn't think thas her only referral, I just hide names :s). We've developed a very close relationship, I think we're all very attuned to each others moods. Sometimes good, a lot of the time bad. We didnt end up going out, not a long story but cant be bothered explaining. So we're sat in drinking. And i'm acting happy. Only because I want to get drunk, I have no intention of going to my 'reading seminar' tomorrow.. I have no intention because there is no point, I love gathering knowledge, but not when I won't use it.

Something i've been meaning to write about but haven't yet is the state of my bedroom..wow...gross and disgusting could not portray the true definition. I like to see my bedroom as the visual image of my mind. A complete collection of disorder.

Cigarettes & Alcohol

I got home from work last night, and my housemate was in with his girlfriend. Immediately they were asking me if something was up..ill admit I wasn't talking much but they know sometimes I can be quiet. This was different..they kept asking and I got very paranoid that they knew what I was planning..somehow.. I tried to put my happy persona on..i'm finding that a lot more difficult nowadays, to constantly act like I have no worries. They saw through it but stopped asking after a while and went to bed. Then at work today people were asking me if I was ok. Partly lucky partly not..I'm in an insomnia mode at the moment, prob slept about 8 hours in the last 4 days so even though I still sit here with eyes wide open and find it hard to sit still, I look like crap. So I got to use the excuse that i'm just tired. That seemed to work quite well..maybe I can just always be 'tired' and not have to pretend to be happy happy joy joy anymore.

I'm being bad, I know I have been drinking every night for a while now..I don't know exactly how long. I don't always get drunk, but I have at least 3 - 4 drinks a night. And my weed intake has increased recently. My doctor would tell me that these things are depressants and I'll feel better if I stop having them. Lies..I tried that, gave up weed and alcohol for a month. I didn't feel better. It just made time go a LOT slower. I still felt like my world was full of a putrid fog that constantly infected my body and mind. At least when I drink and smoke, time passes faster..I have a habit of getting so drunk I don't remember a thing from the day before. Weed doesn't help the retention of memory either, I forget conversations and plans that ive made hours after ive had or made them. I feel like im an old man in a young mans body, that I grew up far too fast and now I have to deal with the consequences.

Oh and my back is hurting again. Thats a bummer. I can't even bend down to put things on a shelf at work. My stomach isn't playing up too bad though - possibly cos i've eaten a small breast of chicken and some lettuce in the last 3 days, so its got nothing to churn around. I like to say I don't have an eating disorder, cos I honestly don't believe I do. I know I can go days without eating, I just dont get hungry. Except for a few small ups and downs, I've stayed the same weight for the last two years so its not something i'm concerned about. To be fair whats the point in starting to show concern now anyway.

Its my friends birthday celebration tonight..its gonna be hard, i'm in one of my lowest moods at the moment. Just want to lock myself away in my bedroom and not come out until I see fit. I've done it for days, weeks before..I wouldn't get away with it now. My house is too..'busy' - my absence would be noticed and commented upon and I can't risk suspicion rising. Up until the last day when I have to say goodbye, without letting them know its the last time..I have to show a positive side to me. This is proving more difficult then I thought it would.

Crazy?

Am I actually crazy? I don't feel crazy..yet I know its not normal for people to spend as much time as I  do thinking about suicide. Its become almost a constant thought, especially when i'm alone. Other than the fact I want to escape life, I have no solid reason for needing to die. Life is my reason. I know I shouldn't find everything so difficult but I can't help it. I didn't get an assignment in on time this week. I'm already failing my degree, though I haven't admitted this to anyone. To be honest, I'm not down about not getting it in on time. I'd already made my decision by the time it was due so it doesn't matter anymore anyway. Short post cos ive been working all day followed by partying for past 3 days and im tired. Very very tired. Might actually sleep more than a few hours tonight which would be nice..but not very likely.