Cigarettes & Alcohol

I got home from work last night, and my housemate was in with his girlfriend. Immediately they were asking me if something was up..ill admit I wasn't talking much but they know sometimes I can be quiet. This was different..they kept asking and I got very paranoid that they knew what I was planning..somehow.. I tried to put my happy persona on..i'm finding that a lot more difficult nowadays, to constantly act like I have no worries. They saw through it but stopped asking after a while and went to bed. Then at work today people were asking me if I was ok. Partly lucky partly not..I'm in an insomnia mode at the moment, prob slept about 8 hours in the last 4 days so even though I still sit here with eyes wide open and find it hard to sit still, I look like crap. So I got to use the excuse that i'm just tired. That seemed to work quite well..maybe I can just always be 'tired' and not have to pretend to be happy happy joy joy anymore.

I'm being bad, I know I have been drinking every night for a while now..I don't know exactly how long. I don't always get drunk, but I have at least 3 - 4 drinks a night. And my weed intake has increased recently. My doctor would tell me that these things are depressants and I'll feel better if I stop having them. Lies..I tried that, gave up weed and alcohol for a month. I didn't feel better. It just made time go a LOT slower. I still felt like my world was full of a putrid fog that constantly infected my body and mind. At least when I drink and smoke, time passes faster..I have a habit of getting so drunk I don't remember a thing from the day before. Weed doesn't help the retention of memory either, I forget conversations and plans that ive made hours after ive had or made them. I feel like im an old man in a young mans body, that I grew up far too fast and now I have to deal with the consequences.

Oh and my back is hurting again. Thats a bummer. I can't even bend down to put things on a shelf at work. My stomach isn't playing up too bad though - possibly cos i've eaten a small breast of chicken and some lettuce in the last 3 days, so its got nothing to churn around. I like to say I don't have an eating disorder, cos I honestly don't believe I do. I know I can go days without eating, I just dont get hungry. Except for a few small ups and downs, I've stayed the same weight for the last two years so its not something i'm concerned about. To be fair whats the point in starting to show concern now anyway.

Its my friends birthday celebration tonight..its gonna be hard, i'm in one of my lowest moods at the moment. Just want to lock myself away in my bedroom and not come out until I see fit. I've done it for days, weeks before..I wouldn't get away with it now. My house is too..'busy' - my absence would be noticed and commented upon and I can't risk suspicion rising. Up until the last day when I have to say goodbye, without letting them know its the last time..I have to show a positive side to me. This is proving more difficult then I thought it would.