Thats the best way to describe it. Like i'm not meant to be here and never was. I have friends and family that I love. I'm sure they love me. None of that changes anything. I have struggled with these thoughts for 10 years now and have made half hearted attempts to end my life before, running in front of a car, several overdoses that have landed me in A & E, slitting my wrists that left me with scars I get to see everyday as a reminder of my pain. I know now I wasn't ready. It wasn't a cry for help, it was only once I'd realised I wouldnt die that I seeked help.
Now I am ready.
The only thing that makes me pause is thinking of the people in my life that I'm going to leave behind, and the effects I will have on their future. My father, sister and the friends that i've gathered around me throughout my life are all amazing people that have been there for me through some of the hardest moments i've ever experienced. But its not those moments that hurt the most. Its everyday life. Getting up in the morning and knowing I have commitments as simple as making my meals or showering sometimes make me hate the day to come because I find these things so hard to do. When I've tried to explain that to people without telling them the meaning behind it, they don't understand, they think im being dramatic. I fill these days with weed and alcohol because they go faster that way. Being in a drug induced state makes life easier, because I can blame the weed and alcohol for my problems. In all honesty I know that my problems are my own, but I don't have the drive to combat them. I constantly feel stupid, that my work will never be good enough, that I will never accomplish anything in my life and will forever be an insignificant speck. If I dont want to be here in the first place, why should I be here as a nothing?
In the past i've been told my ability to emotionally connect with people is what makes me a good person, that I listen and provide an unbiased opinion. In my head i'm not emotionally connecting, i'm simply listening to other peoples problems and trying to compare them to something in my own life. Constantly thinking about myself, but putting on an impressive show that makes others think i'm thinking of their problems. Does that make me a good person? Many people would argue that suicide defines a bad person. Selfish to the pain that they leave behind. But is it right for me to live in pain, in a world I don't want to be in, just to prevent others from a pain that I don't know will be lesser or greater. How can I know what other people will feel? Yes I agree that they will grieve and mourn. I lost my mother, the closest person to me. I grieved and I mourned and I survived. I who find going to the bathroom 2 metres from my bedroom to be a gruelling task because of one simple thing. The task of getting there. Don't misunderstand me please, I'm not disabled, I have fully functioning limbs, eyes, ears, mouth and a working brain. I have a lot of things that some people in the world dont have. But I dont want them. I believe in destiny and fate and I believe everything happens for a reason. What if me committing suicide is part of the people in my lifes destiny? Everyones actions shape their own and others futures. I hate the thought of my loved ones being in pain. But I don't want to be here. There is nothing in this world I enjoy. Everything I do I fail at.
I know people will survive. They will go on. They will change, adapt as it were. But they will go on without me. Some will be angry, a lot will be confused. I hide behind a mask of fake smiles and an energy that oozes happiness. Many will ask 'why? why didn't he talk to me?'. The truth is I dont want to. I want to end my life, I want it to be over. I dont want to draw it out anymore with more counselling and psycho therapy sessions. I'm tired. And I don't want to be here for another 50 years. The last 25 have been hard enough. Once again, I feel that people will misunderstand me. I don't believe my life is more difficult than everyone else. I believe i'm not strong enough to face my life, whether it be more difficult or not. This blog isnt being written in a vain attempt at getting someone to notice and try to change my mind. Its about finally clearing some of the thoughts that have been flying around my head like moths around a flame. Maybe one day after my death a loved one will come across this blog and understand, have their pain eased a little knowing that my mind was made up and no one could have stopped me. I have set a date, just under a month from now. I set the date a few weeks ago..it gives me time to sort my things out. Write the letters I need to write. See the people I need to see. Not for my closure..but theirs. I obviously can't tell them what i'm going to do. But I can try to make them realise I do love them, and i'm leaving them because its what I want. Its not because they did anything wrong or could have done something different. I'm a determined guy when I make my mind up. And its made up.
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