I'm sitting here, reading about suicide survivors. I'm doing this because I need to know how my loved ones will cope after they have learnt what i've done. I'm reading about the pain these people go through, and its making me upset, i'm sat here crying because I know i'm about to put these people through that pain. So many people will want to know why I will have killed myself. Part of me wants to drop the mask and show everyone how i'm actually feeling. The problem I find is that I really have truly decided this is what I want - I can't stand living..it's driving me insane, and dropping that mask means letting people stop me. I've even thought about a fake run away scheme to a foreign country...so that people never actually know I died. Would that be worse? To not know and always wonder where I am, if i'm alive or dead?
I was reading 'famous suicide notes' online earlier..and found this one, written by Freddie Prinz...
"I must end it. There's no hope left. I'll be at peace. No one had anything to do with this. My decision totally."
It describes perfectly how I wish to portray my death. I don't want anyone to think they had a part in my suicide, which is why i've kept my plan to myself. Another, written by a lady called Wendy O Williams, whom i'm sad to say i've never heard of before, epitomizes another thought in my mind:
"I don't believe that people should take their own lives without deep and thoughtful reflection over a considerable period of time."
I agree. Granted I have attempted suicide before, without deep reflection...and i've admitted many of them were shouts for help. This isn't like that anymore. But how do I portray my feelings and thoughts to people to help them understand? I may be writing this to help in some way...but I don't think anyone will ever truly understand, and i'm sorry for that. I wish so much that I could of just never existed..so many peoples lives would be undisturbed if I was just never born.
I was at work earlier. At my work I get to spend a lot of time alone, which gives me time to think. Once again I got drawn into the thought of why I want to die. I know I love the people I have in my life, and hate the thought of hurting them, but then I thought 'why can't death just be a choice?'. People have left my life before, never to be seen or heard from again...not because they died, just because they moved on with their lives.
Last weekend I went home...for what I assume will be the last time. I saw my dad and my sister...and realised I love them so much more than I thought was possible. I had to say goodbye without letting them know it would be the last time I did, with my sister trying to arrange plans for me to see them again on a date after I know I will not be here anymore. That was hard..I've never hugged my sister so tightly as the last time I saw her. At one point she was upset and wanted my mom to be there. It felt horrible seeing her so consumed by the grief my moms death had left behind, even 6 years later. I still feel that grief aswell. I think about my mom every day..they say it gets easier, losing a loved one, it doesnt. You just learn that either you get on with life or stay in the same emotional black hole forever. I think have made my peace with my moms death because once I die I will either see her again in some sort of afterlife or science will prevail and I just wont exist anymore. No thought, no memory. Like being asleep without dreaming..you don't ever remember it. I guess I won't know until death.
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