No one even realises what my plan is..I was talking to a friend tonight about my past of being a self harmer and trying to explain to her why her friend may have done it, all the while giving a believable impression that I have dealt with my own pain. There are so many reasons and everyone is different. Getting through the emotional pain of life by inflicting physical pain is one method of distracting yourself. For me it was to feel something, anything. I was trying to combat the numb feeling I have. As i've said in previous posts I feel disconnected, as if i'm not real. I once thought cutting or burning myself would prove I was actually human and alive. I don't cut anymore..my self harm is more elaborate now; alcohol and drug abuse.
I went out tonight. I danced with my friends, I laughed, I made jokes and put my social mask on. My social mask is the persona I wear when i'm around people, any people. I'm the life of the party, the one that people look at and assume I can't have any problems in the world. It made me think even more about how they will react and cope with my death. I think, in fact I know, it will come as a shock to a lot of people. I was stood dancing to one of my favourite songs with a massive smile on my face earlier. I wasn't smiling inside. I was scared and worried about my friends. I kept thinking..'Will they be ok?' and 'Could they ever understand why I am doing what I am?' the whole time I was dancing and looking at their smiling faces. I don't think they ever will...no matter how much I try to explain in this collection of thoughts that i'm leaving as an explanation.
It is no ones fault. No one has done anything to make this decision final except for myself. I alone have decided that I will end my life, and once I put my mind to something I rarely go back on it.
The people I am most worried about are my sister and father. My mother died six years ago, and it almost broke our family apart..but in the end brought us closer together. Don't get me wrong, I love my dad and sister..but I was always a mommys boy..just as my sister was a daddys girl. Its the way it works out sometimes. I hope they find comfort in each other and not drive each other apart. I know I am essentially leaving them to deal with a second close family death in as little as a decade but thats why i've distanced myself from them. Its always been inevitable that I would commit suicide. I know its how I will die, I just never knew when I would get to the moment that I actually did it. Now I know its a planning process..not just a spur of the moment idea that ends up being a cry for help. As much as I am leaving behind a field of devastation for my loved ones to clear up..i'm trying my hardest to arrange my things and final wishes so that they don't have to.
My sister will take it the hardest..she took my mothers death differently to me. I learnt fast that death is a part of life, possibly due to the fact i'm not scared of my own death. She will blame herself, wishing she had noticed or realised and done something to stop me. She will think that she wasn't there enough or didn't probe into my feelings enough to realise what im doing. She will also be angry at me, possibly the most angry out of everyone. If she ever reads this I want her to know there was nothing she could have done, its how it would always end up. I hide it so well from people that even my closest friends will be shocked. How can my sister, who I have spent the last 6 years distancing myself from and only seeing once or twice a year so that she doesn't get close to me, realise what i'm going to do?
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