Is it constant?

My therapist once asked me this. And for some reason it was my first thought when I opened my eyes today. Are my feelings of disconnection from the world a constant, or do they come and go? I answered at the time that I couldn't answer that question because I concentrate on getting through the 'now' more than thinking about the past or what could happen in the future. I know I feel like it now. Yes I go to work and smile at my work mates, who are also some of my closest friends...and yes I go out with them and I drink, I dance and I smoke and other than a select few they have no idea what thoughts run through my head. Over the last 6 months I have noticed that I am thinking about suicide more and more, a suicidal ideation is the best term I can find for it. I know where I want to do it, how I want to do it, when I want to do it. I find my mind drifting when i'm trying to listen to them, speculating about my death, my 'after-death' and how people will react or cope. Each day a new little detail of my plan to finally disappear and give myself some form of peace comes to mind. I can't say I believe in the afterlife, but then I don't disbelieve in it. Part of me is curious, which I think fuels my need to leave this life. I know science has told me that my body shuts down and decomposes and that is that. Where do souls come into this?

There is a theory that we all choose our own lives before we are born, kind of like choosing which character to play out in a game. Each character has different attributes and paths to follow to reach their goals. Personally this seems a bit far-fetched to me, I don't think I would choose this life. If I did, I certainly made the wrong choice. Can I start the game again and choose someone else?

I have a cat, she's about 4 months old. She's awesome, funniest little thing i've ever laid eyes on. But she doesn't realise what i'm going to do, I mean how can she, she's a cat. But I find myself thinking about her future after i've gone. I know my housemate will take care of her, his dad is besotted with the thing so I know it will end up living at his parents house. Will she even notice my departure? I use her as an example because I wish I could know how everyone will cope, that they will be ok afterwards. I can never be sure, I may be about to completely fuck someones life up by doing this. I hope not, I really do. I want to end my own pain, not pass it on to someone else.

I kind of hope its a bit like 'Its a wonderful life' - you ever seen that film? If not its basically a christmas film from the 40's about a guy who is about to commit suicide. An angel appears and shows him his life actually isnt that bad, and he can be happy. Eventually he decides not to kill himself and he gets the girl, gets the job, gets the perfect life. Can that happen? With the amount of suicides I read about in the world I don't think it ever can. But, I can still have that final dash of hope that when i'm about to do my final piece, an angel will appear and give me a valid reason not to. Saving the pain of others isnt valid enough for me anymore. It used to stop me, and I would cry because I hated hurting my loved ones. I don't cry anymore..I've become numb to their pain. This is a selfish thing to say but its not something i've been able to control, or noticed happening until it did. It just..happened.