Please understand

My god. Tonight has been the hardest so far. I got to have a relaxing game of chess, which gave me more time to think, was very therapeutic..and was probably the easiest part of the evening. Then when my housemate asked me about lectures my mood just dropped. Went byebye. Not his fault obviously, but my idiotic brain decided it was the end of my world. So my mood went from about a 3/10 to a 0/10. I sit here grabbing my skull because my mind hurts to think about small things, and I know people look at me like i'm crazy.

I'm finding it harder each day to control my mood. I even admitted to my housemate that I need tomorrow to myself. Can't be distubred. I need a day to just be alone. I want to leave, why is this such a taboo?! I just want to die and no one even realise my absence. I think people will end up hating me..I was always scared of people hating me..I guess thats what karma truly is. Im going to transfer my wages to my housemates account so he can pay the rent..and i'm leaving my motorbike to his girlfriend if I can ever find the forms. I have so much debt that I would be paying it off for 20 years..so the fact i've been independant for 6 years will hopefully help my loved ones. I don't know if there is a God, but if there is, please look after the people I love. Don't let them suffer for my decision.

Fight or Flight?

Once again i'm sat here in the living room with my housemate & his girlfriend. He asked me if I planned on attending any lectures whatsoever this week. I told him I couldn't give a crap about them at the moment. He thinks i'm just lazy..I know he'll understand after i'm gone but I felt like screaming at him cant he understand how difficult it is for me to face going to uni at the moment. Even sitting with them hurts me. I'm struggling to face being with anyone. Im fighting my flight instinct to run away to my bedroom and stay there.

Failing again.

Well, I missed another lecture today. And it was an assessed one. I'm starting to truly give up on everything. Fail at my life.I don't know how long I can keep this up. All I want is to lie curled up in a ball under my duvet away from everything. The guilt is really kicking in now as well..knowing how much pain i'm about to cause. I can feel it on me. Its like a weight all over my body dragging me down. But I don't feel right here. I feel like I was born out of place, with no true destiny. My death will change lives forever..but what if in the long run, i'm better preparing my loved ones for something in their future? I know my time here is almost over, I can feel it approaching.

Questions

Well, I woke up on the living room floor this morning. Apparently I got very drunk last night - I drank a bottle of rum to myself. Impressive. And I don't have a hangover today, possibly due to the fact i'm still under the influence a bit. Work later..I really don't want to go in, and have tried to get my shift covered. I think i'll end up working though. I work in a kitchen, as a chef, its not a difficult job. Whats difficult is being there, having to face people. I don't want to face people.. they expect things from me like conversation and if I don't converse they ask questions. I hate questions.

Disorder

My housemate and girlfriend are sat with me in the living room at the moment (If she ever reads this I hope she doesn't think thas her only referral, I just hide names :s). We've developed a very close relationship, I think we're all very attuned to each others moods. Sometimes good, a lot of the time bad. We didnt end up going out, not a long story but cant be bothered explaining. So we're sat in drinking. And i'm acting happy. Only because I want to get drunk, I have no intention of going to my 'reading seminar' tomorrow.. I have no intention because there is no point, I love gathering knowledge, but not when I won't use it.

Something i've been meaning to write about but haven't yet is the state of my bedroom..wow...gross and disgusting could not portray the true definition. I like to see my bedroom as the visual image of my mind. A complete collection of disorder.

Cigarettes & Alcohol

I got home from work last night, and my housemate was in with his girlfriend. Immediately they were asking me if something was up..ill admit I wasn't talking much but they know sometimes I can be quiet. This was different..they kept asking and I got very paranoid that they knew what I was planning..somehow.. I tried to put my happy persona on..i'm finding that a lot more difficult nowadays, to constantly act like I have no worries. They saw through it but stopped asking after a while and went to bed. Then at work today people were asking me if I was ok. Partly lucky partly not..I'm in an insomnia mode at the moment, prob slept about 8 hours in the last 4 days so even though I still sit here with eyes wide open and find it hard to sit still, I look like crap. So I got to use the excuse that i'm just tired. That seemed to work quite well..maybe I can just always be 'tired' and not have to pretend to be happy happy joy joy anymore.

I'm being bad, I know I have been drinking every night for a while now..I don't know exactly how long. I don't always get drunk, but I have at least 3 - 4 drinks a night. And my weed intake has increased recently. My doctor would tell me that these things are depressants and I'll feel better if I stop having them. Lies..I tried that, gave up weed and alcohol for a month. I didn't feel better. It just made time go a LOT slower. I still felt like my world was full of a putrid fog that constantly infected my body and mind. At least when I drink and smoke, time passes faster..I have a habit of getting so drunk I don't remember a thing from the day before. Weed doesn't help the retention of memory either, I forget conversations and plans that ive made hours after ive had or made them. I feel like im an old man in a young mans body, that I grew up far too fast and now I have to deal with the consequences.

Oh and my back is hurting again. Thats a bummer. I can't even bend down to put things on a shelf at work. My stomach isn't playing up too bad though - possibly cos i've eaten a small breast of chicken and some lettuce in the last 3 days, so its got nothing to churn around. I like to say I don't have an eating disorder, cos I honestly don't believe I do. I know I can go days without eating, I just dont get hungry. Except for a few small ups and downs, I've stayed the same weight for the last two years so its not something i'm concerned about. To be fair whats the point in starting to show concern now anyway.

Its my friends birthday celebration tonight..its gonna be hard, i'm in one of my lowest moods at the moment. Just want to lock myself away in my bedroom and not come out until I see fit. I've done it for days, weeks before..I wouldn't get away with it now. My house is too..'busy' - my absence would be noticed and commented upon and I can't risk suspicion rising. Up until the last day when I have to say goodbye, without letting them know its the last time..I have to show a positive side to me. This is proving more difficult then I thought it would.

Crazy?

Am I actually crazy? I don't feel crazy..yet I know its not normal for people to spend as much time as I  do thinking about suicide. Its become almost a constant thought, especially when i'm alone. Other than the fact I want to escape life, I have no solid reason for needing to die. Life is my reason. I know I shouldn't find everything so difficult but I can't help it. I didn't get an assignment in on time this week. I'm already failing my degree, though I haven't admitted this to anyone. To be honest, I'm not down about not getting it in on time. I'd already made my decision by the time it was due so it doesn't matter anymore anyway. Short post cos ive been working all day followed by partying for past 3 days and im tired. Very very tired. Might actually sleep more than a few hours tonight which would be nice..but not very likely.

Wish I didn't hurt them

I'm sitting here, reading about suicide survivors. I'm doing this because I need to know how my loved ones will cope after they have learnt what i've done. I'm reading about the pain these people go through, and its making me upset, i'm sat here crying because I know i'm about to put these people through that pain. So many people will want to know why I will have killed myself. Part of me wants to drop the mask and show everyone how i'm actually feeling. The problem I find is that I really have truly decided this is what I want - I can't stand living..it's driving me insane, and dropping that mask means letting people stop me.  I've even thought about a fake run away scheme to a foreign country...so that people never actually know I died. Would that be worse? To not know and always wonder where I am, if i'm alive or dead?

I was reading 'famous suicide notes' online earlier..and found this one, written by Freddie Prinz...

"I must end it. There's no hope left. I'll be at peace. No one had anything to do with this. My decision totally."

It describes perfectly how I wish to portray my death. I don't want anyone to think they had a part in my suicide, which is why i've kept my plan to myself. Another, written by a lady called Wendy O Williams, whom i'm sad to say i've never heard of before, epitomizes another thought in my mind:

"I don't believe that people should take their own lives without deep and thoughtful reflection over a considerable period of time."

I agree. Granted I have attempted suicide before, without deep reflection...and i've admitted many of them were shouts for help. This isn't like that anymore. But how do I portray my feelings and thoughts to people to help them understand? I may be writing this to help in some way...but I don't think anyone will ever truly understand, and i'm sorry for that. I wish so much that I could of just never existed..so many peoples lives would be undisturbed if I was just never born.

I was at work earlier. At my work I get to spend a lot of time alone, which gives me time to think. Once again I got drawn into the thought of why I want to die. I know I love the people I have in my life, and hate the thought of hurting them, but then I thought 'why can't death just be a choice?'. People have left my life before, never to be seen or heard from again...not because they died, just because they moved on with their lives.

Last weekend I went home...for what I assume will be the last time. I saw my dad and my sister...and realised I love them so much more than I thought was possible. I had to say goodbye without letting them know it would be the last time I did, with my sister trying to arrange plans for me to see them again on a date after I know I will not be here anymore. That was hard..I've never hugged my sister so tightly as the last time I saw her. At one point she was upset and wanted my mom to be there. It felt horrible seeing her so consumed by the grief my moms death had left behind, even 6 years later. I still feel that grief aswell. I think about my mom every day..they say it gets easier, losing a loved one, it doesnt. You just learn that either you get on with life or stay in the same emotional black hole forever. I think have made my peace with my moms death because once I die I will either see her again in some sort of afterlife or science will prevail and I just wont exist anymore. No thought, no memory. Like being asleep without dreaming..you don't ever remember it. I guess I won't know until death. 

I hide it well

No one even realises what my plan is..I was talking to a friend tonight about my past of being a self harmer and trying to explain to her why her friend may have done it, all the while giving a believable impression that I have dealt with my own pain. There are so many reasons and everyone is different. Getting through the emotional pain of life by inflicting physical pain is one method of distracting yourself. For me it was to feel something, anything. I was trying to combat the numb feeling I have. As i've said in previous posts I feel disconnected, as if i'm not real. I once thought cutting or burning myself would prove I was actually human and alive. I don't cut anymore..my self harm is more elaborate now; alcohol and drug abuse.

I went out tonight. I danced with my friends, I laughed, I made jokes and put my social mask on. My social mask is the persona I wear when i'm around people, any people. I'm the life of the party, the one that people look at and assume I can't have any problems in the world. It made me think even more about how they will react and cope with my death. I think, in fact I know, it will come as a shock to a lot of people. I was stood dancing to one of my favourite songs with a massive smile on my face earlier. I wasn't smiling inside. I was scared and worried about my friends. I kept thinking..'Will they be ok?' and  'Could they ever understand why I am doing what I am?' the whole time I was dancing and looking at their smiling faces. I don't think they ever will...no matter how much I try to explain in this collection of thoughts that i'm leaving as an explanation.

It is no ones fault. No one has done anything to make this decision final except for myself. I alone have decided that I will end my life, and once I put my mind to something I rarely go back on it.

The people I am most worried about are my sister and father. My mother died six years ago, and it almost broke our family apart..but in the end brought us closer together. Don't get me wrong, I love my dad and sister..but I was always a mommys boy..just as my sister was a daddys girl. Its the way it works out sometimes. I hope they find comfort in each other and not drive each other apart. I know I am essentially leaving them to deal with a second close family death in as little as a decade but thats why i've distanced myself from them. Its always been inevitable that I would commit suicide. I know its how I will die, I just never knew when I would get to the moment that I actually did it. Now I know its a planning process..not just a spur of the moment idea that ends up being a cry for help. As much as I am leaving behind a field of devastation for my loved ones to clear up..i'm trying my hardest to arrange my things and final wishes so that they don't have to.

My sister will take it the hardest..she took my mothers death differently to me. I learnt fast that death is a part of life, possibly due to the fact i'm not scared of my own death. She will blame herself, wishing she had noticed or realised and done something to stop me. She will think that she wasn't there enough or didn't probe into my feelings enough to realise what im doing. She will also be angry at me, possibly the most angry out of everyone. If she ever reads this I want her to know there was nothing she could have done, its how it would always end up. I hide it so well from people that even my closest friends will be shocked. How can my sister, who I have spent the last 6 years distancing myself from and only seeing once or twice a year so that she doesn't get close to me, realise what i'm going to do?

Is it constant?

My therapist once asked me this. And for some reason it was my first thought when I opened my eyes today. Are my feelings of disconnection from the world a constant, or do they come and go? I answered at the time that I couldn't answer that question because I concentrate on getting through the 'now' more than thinking about the past or what could happen in the future. I know I feel like it now. Yes I go to work and smile at my work mates, who are also some of my closest friends...and yes I go out with them and I drink, I dance and I smoke and other than a select few they have no idea what thoughts run through my head. Over the last 6 months I have noticed that I am thinking about suicide more and more, a suicidal ideation is the best term I can find for it. I know where I want to do it, how I want to do it, when I want to do it. I find my mind drifting when i'm trying to listen to them, speculating about my death, my 'after-death' and how people will react or cope. Each day a new little detail of my plan to finally disappear and give myself some form of peace comes to mind. I can't say I believe in the afterlife, but then I don't disbelieve in it. Part of me is curious, which I think fuels my need to leave this life. I know science has told me that my body shuts down and decomposes and that is that. Where do souls come into this?

There is a theory that we all choose our own lives before we are born, kind of like choosing which character to play out in a game. Each character has different attributes and paths to follow to reach their goals. Personally this seems a bit far-fetched to me, I don't think I would choose this life. If I did, I certainly made the wrong choice. Can I start the game again and choose someone else?

I have a cat, she's about 4 months old. She's awesome, funniest little thing i've ever laid eyes on. But she doesn't realise what i'm going to do, I mean how can she, she's a cat. But I find myself thinking about her future after i've gone. I know my housemate will take care of her, his dad is besotted with the thing so I know it will end up living at his parents house. Will she even notice my departure? I use her as an example because I wish I could know how everyone will cope, that they will be ok afterwards. I can never be sure, I may be about to completely fuck someones life up by doing this. I hope not, I really do. I want to end my own pain, not pass it on to someone else.

I kind of hope its a bit like 'Its a wonderful life' - you ever seen that film? If not its basically a christmas film from the 40's about a guy who is about to commit suicide. An angel appears and shows him his life actually isnt that bad, and he can be happy. Eventually he decides not to kill himself and he gets the girl, gets the job, gets the perfect life. Can that happen? With the amount of suicides I read about in the world I don't think it ever can. But, I can still have that final dash of hope that when i'm about to do my final piece, an angel will appear and give me a valid reason not to. Saving the pain of others isnt valid enough for me anymore. It used to stop me, and I would cry because I hated hurting my loved ones. I don't cry anymore..I've become numb to their pain. This is a selfish thing to say but its not something i've been able to control, or noticed happening until it did. It just..happened.

I dont feel sad, I just feel out of place.

Thats the best way to describe it. Like i'm not meant to be here and never was. I have friends and family that I love. I'm sure they love me. None of that changes anything. I have struggled with these thoughts for 10 years now and have made half hearted attempts to end my life before, running in front of a car, several overdoses that have landed me in A & E, slitting my wrists that left me with scars I get to see everyday as a reminder of my pain. I know now I wasn't ready. It wasn't a cry for help, it was only once I'd realised I wouldnt die that I seeked help.

Now I am ready.

The only thing that makes me pause is thinking of the people in my life that I'm going to leave behind, and the effects I will have on their future. My father, sister and the friends that i've gathered around me throughout my life are all amazing people that have been there for me through some of the hardest moments i've ever experienced. But its not those moments that hurt the most. Its everyday life. Getting up in the morning and knowing I have commitments as simple as making my meals or showering sometimes make me hate the day to come because I find these things so hard to do. When I've tried to explain that to people without telling them the meaning behind it, they don't understand, they think im being dramatic. I fill these days with weed and alcohol because they go faster that way. Being in a drug induced state makes life easier, because I can blame the weed and alcohol for my problems. In all honesty I know that my problems are my own, but I don't have the drive to combat them. I constantly feel stupid, that my work will never be good enough, that I will never accomplish anything in my life and will forever be an insignificant speck. If I dont want to be here in the first place, why should I be here as a nothing?

In the past i've been told my ability to emotionally connect with people is what makes me a good person, that I listen and provide an unbiased opinion. In my head i'm not emotionally connecting, i'm simply listening to other peoples problems and trying to compare them to something in my own life. Constantly thinking about myself, but putting on an impressive show that makes others think i'm thinking of their problems. Does that make me a good person? Many people would argue that suicide defines a bad person. Selfish to the pain that they leave behind. But is it right for me to live in pain, in a world I don't want to be in, just to prevent others from a pain that I don't know will be lesser or greater. How can I know what other people will feel? Yes I agree that they will grieve and mourn. I lost my mother, the closest person to me. I grieved and I mourned and I survived. I who find going to the bathroom 2 metres from my bedroom to be a gruelling task because of one simple thing. The task of getting there. Don't misunderstand me please, I'm not disabled, I have fully functioning limbs, eyes, ears, mouth and a working brain. I have a lot of things that some people in the world dont have. But I dont want them. I believe in destiny and fate and I believe everything happens for a reason. What if me committing suicide is part of the people in my lifes destiny? Everyones actions shape their own and others futures. I hate the thought of my loved ones being in pain. But I don't want to be here. There is nothing in this world I enjoy. Everything I do I fail at.

I know people will survive. They will go on. They will change, adapt as it were. But they will go on without me. Some will be angry, a lot will be confused. I hide behind a mask of fake smiles and an energy that oozes happiness. Many will ask 'why? why didn't he talk to me?'. The truth is I dont want to. I want to end my life, I want it to be over. I dont want to draw it out anymore with more counselling and psycho therapy sessions. I'm tired. And I don't want to be here for another 50 years. The last 25 have been hard enough. Once again, I feel that people will misunderstand me. I don't believe my life is more difficult than everyone else. I believe i'm not strong enough to face my life, whether it be more difficult or not. This blog isnt being written in a vain attempt at getting someone to notice and try to change my mind. Its about finally clearing some of the thoughts that have been flying around my head like moths around a flame. Maybe one day after my death a loved one will come across this blog and understand, have their pain eased a little knowing that my mind was made up and no one could have stopped me. I have set a date, just under a month from now. I set the date a few weeks ago..it gives me time to sort my things out. Write the letters I need to write. See the people I need to see. Not for my closure..but theirs. I obviously can't tell them what i'm going to do. But I can try to make them realise I do love them, and i'm leaving them because its what I want. Its not because they did anything wrong or could have done something different. I'm a determined guy when I make my mind up. And its made up.